She laughed in my face when she answered the door saying, “You thought I was serious? What a joke!” Then, slammed the door in my face. At 14 years old and still very overweight, I had ridden my bicycle 24 miles down the highway on a flat tire to get to her house. After speaking with her on the phone that morning, she had said she would like to see me again so I had asked, “What about today?” She replied with a chuckle, “Sure.” I hadn’t clued in on the levity. Now, I had another 4+ hours of riding back to my house on the bent rim of my bike, emotionally humiliated like my deflated tire.

I had met her the day before at the amusement park. We stood in the long line together for the Super Duper Looper, and I dared a conversation with her and her friends. They all giggled at my awkward rolls and dumpy posture, and pushed her toward me. She reluctantly complied to her friends’ dare. After the roller coaster ended, under the continued dare of her friends, she pulled me behind one of the rides, and kissed me. Writing her phone number on my hand, she ran away.

My first kiss. Of course, never having had a girl even look at me twice before, I was instantly in love. So the next day, I called feverishly. Riding to her house, with a flat tire those long hours were the best and fastest moments of my life at that point. A girl had actually LIKED ME! Who cared how far it was, how long it took or how hard it was. I grabbed my broken bike, and sneaked out of my house, disappearing down the highway.

Biking to her house felt like only minutes had passed. POOF, and I had arrived elated, excited and energized. In contrast, the ride home in embarrassment, dragged on, minute after minute, like days of agony which would never end; returning finally home, exhausted, expelled and depressed.

Collapsing in bed, I lay there, with tears carving paths down the sides of my dust-crusted eyes, one of my future career’s most important realizations bubbled to my adolescent awareness: the contrast between my ride there, and my return back. I was so happy going there, the time passed quickly, and my body actually felt great during the unusually long and difficult physical exertion. Heartbroken upon my return, time dragged and each mile pained my body like torture.

I first thought, “If only she would have liked me, the ride home would have been just as easy.” Tears of self-pity came next, but then…. one of the most important realizations of my life: “I wish I could have just pretended she liked me so I could have gotten back here quicker.” Immature and unrefined, this seemingly casual thought would become the basis for much of my later university study and professional research.

Life isn’t a problem. Only our attitude toward it, is a problem; like Helen Keller with her amazing in-sight, once challenged us: “Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing at all.” I chose my attitude toward those two 24 mile journeys: one uplifting, the other down-trodden. Certainly at 14, I was not capable of mature, attitudinal shifts in perspective, but I did sense the contrast between the two trips; to and fro. That immediate disparity allowed me to realize, we control our perception and experience of the world. Nothing changes between the two: the same duration, distance and difficulty. But our attitude carries us to heaven, or makes it a highway of hell.

Since then, I program my attitude with each challenge; during my workouts, projects or presentations, my relationships, meetings and proposals. When the enormous work lay ahead, nervous and anxious about my ability, I recall the disparity of those four and a half hours riding my bike as a child, twice performed; one great, one awful. And I decide to not feel awful, and be great instead. No matter how many insistent little gremlins seek to burrow negativity into my attitude, I steel my will, and remain positive.

W. Cement Stone wrote, “There is little difference in people, but that little difference makes a big difference. The little difference is attitude. The big difference is positive or negative.” Attitude takes no physical effort, but immense moral power to alter. It demands our daily practice in the tiny, insignificant events, like spilling coffee, bumping our heads, or forgetting where we placed our keys.

Whenever possible, practice laughing at these experiences: you’ll feel better, lighter and more energized by the Game of it all. And when the big events come, and they will, you’ll have deposited in your attitude bank a lot of little differences. And those will make a big difference in shifting your attitude in those big challenges.

Very Respectfully,
Scott Sonnon
www.facebook.com/ScottSonnon

Often, the new “wellness revolution” generation holds good intentions but incorrect assumptions. We rightfully kick down the doors prohibiting access to our natural state, but then forget that our prior perspective needs to expand to the frontier we’ve opened.

Twenty years ago, we acted upon our suspicions that something was “wrong” with the way we felt. So, we did our research, and once concluding that our suspicions were valid, we began heavily opposing the synthetic isolation of human movement and nutrition.

We’ve since torn down those walls. But now, we see the commoditization of “primal” food and movement. Our natural state has become a commodity to be bought, sold and delivered.

But our nature is not something we must find, should seek, or can acquire. We are nature. We had only CLOSED THE DOOR on our natural state of being.

There are good programs, products, services and brands out there designed to FREE us from the closed doors, but once you do, stay free. Don’t pick up the pieces and carry the prison with you.

You don’t need to know how to be natural. You don’t need to learn how to be coordinated. You don’t need to know how to eat simply. You are natural. Only uncoordination can be learned. And your intuition will guide you back, once reminded, to simple eating and movement.

very respectfully,
Scott Sonnon
www.facebook.com/scottsonnon

Sometimes, we scoff thinking, “I’m too old for that.” Then, we are right. The same with any of the “Terrible 2s” - too fat, too tired, too dumb, too weak, too ugly, too poor, too, too…, too late. If you think you’re too anything, then you are. However, if you think NOW is the PERFECT time, then you’re right, as well.

We battle BELIEFS, not time, not weight, not fatigue, not intelligence, or strength, or appearance or riches. It’s not about how far along the calendar you’re creeping toward the coffin. It’s about your willingness to embrace your change today. A Sufi master once taught me that there are two groups of people in the world: neophiles and neophobes (those who embrace change, and those who resist it.) They’re both needed for social stability, but in today’s world we’re out of balance with too many who fear change, and define that reality for everyone else.

My mother once said to me, “I’m too old to change.” She said it to me a year before her stroke. She was bored with her retirement. She felt like she lacked importance, lacked friends, and lacked personal power to do anything about it. She was overweight and pre-diabetic; her life was in danger. None of this was leverage enough for her to change. Her belief that she was too old held her imprisoned.

Until the stroke came. I remember standing at my fireplace when I received the phone call from my sister. Half of my mother’s body had become paralyzed. How could she deserve this after the extremely difficult life she had already endured? On my knees, I cried because of the very strong beliefs which had brought this upon my mother. My family and I made arrangements to fly from to the other side of the country to be of any help we could. 

Change was not impossible. Change was guaranteed. You either embrace change, or it is thrust upon you.

After she recovered from her stroke, she radically changed her diet, which she’s kept tight on for years now. She started doing the exercises to her to optimize her health, and kept doing them. She became highly socially active as a commander for the Civil Air Patrol and an event organizer for the Veterans of Foreign Wars medical centers. She brought purpose into her life again by being of service to hundreds of cadets and veterans taking them in tours around the country, as well as her weekly visits to the hospital to volunteer.

All of her changes overwrote old beliefs. She now feels empowered, alive and vibrant. She loves getting up in the morning, and looks forward to going to sleep so she can enjoy the next week’s activities.

If you believe it’s too late, it is. But it is as simple as making a daily commitment to making one different choice each day, no matter how scary or even impossible it may initially appear. Two years from now, I promise that you will never imagine the imprisoned experience as your beliefs might make you feel today.

It is easy to benefit from an experience when we embrace change. But the most important lessons in life often come from our resistance to change. Our lives are like photography: we develop from the negatives. 

What moment in your life gave you confidence to challenge a negative belief with a new, positive one? Take a chance to apply that change - everywhere, today. 

Very Respectfully,
Scott Sonnon
www.facebook.com/ScottSonnon

I met my wife in 1994 when she signed up for my martial art school, while she was still in high school, just a baby of 17. She excelled and became a national champion Sambo fighter within a year. We had obvious chemistry between us, but as a policy I never have had relationships with students because the relationship would be unfair, as I was “coach” and they were “athlete.” Relationships however are equal listen-and-share parallels.

Two years after meeting her, she walked into my office the week she was leaving for college on the other side of the country. Slamming her fist on my desk she asked, ”So that’s IT? You have nothing to say to me?” I couldn’t say anything about my feelings because it would be dishonorable to pursue it as her coach. She turned and stormed out of the school.

She didn’t speak to me for six years: angry and hurt at my withholding of my feelings toward her. I regretted my decision month after month, but departing for Russia, I became consumed with my studies there, as she was similarly immersed in her university program.

Ages later, one Christmas evening mass, I saw her walking through the pews. She floated by me, not recognizing my long hair and beard, recently returned from the cold, Russian winter. Instantly standing, I dashed after her, but she was nowhere to be found. In the days that followed, I tried to find her, but her rightfully-protective mother refused to disclose her phone number or email address. I finally convinced her to at least convey mine to her daughter.

An email appeared in my inbox, succinctly asking what I wanted. So, I explained that I had hoped to buy her a ticket to fly back to my side of the country for the weekend to go out on a date with me. She didn’t answer for a week, and then reluctantly agreed. I sent her the ticket, but received in the mail a check from her parents for the pricetag of the flight and in the note field of the check: “…so our daughter does not feel obligated.”

Our date felt awkward and fumbling, confusing and uncomfortable, and totally confirmed my suspicion that I had been in love with her for the many years since I met her. She advised me that I had hurt her greatly, that her life was finally now where she wanted it, and that she didn’t need any major upheaval again.

“I’m not known for traveling in calm waters,” I laughed. She didn’t think I was funny. Flying back home, I didn’t know if she ever wanted to see me again. But she had given me a letter and made me promise to not open it until she departed. As the tires lifted off the tarmac, I opened it. She told me everything, from the beginning of our story together… And disclosed her true feelings. She loved me as well, but feared my tendency to abruptly change when I felt so inclined. She did not want to be hurt again.

The next week, I packed my car, closed all of my accounts, and found an apartment on her side of the country. (Perhaps validating her concern about my abruptness!) In two and a half days of crazy 15 hour sprints, I arrived on the West Coast. Rather than drive to my new apartment, I drove straight to her at work. Shocked, I could see her concerns: of course if I could do something so rash as to move across the country to date her, couldn’t I then make a reckless decision and abruptly end our blossoming relationship?

Although it appears from the radical nature of my life’s choices that I make decisions in haste, my mother taught me:

1. When you believe in something, you must be willing to sacrifice everything to pursue it.
2. If it doesn’t work out, trying to force it will only bring you great suffering and failure.
3. Knowing the difference between 1 and 2 is the hardest thing in life.

“I always wondered why birds stay in the same place when they could choose to fly anywhere on the Earth, but then I ask myself the same question,” wrote an unknown author. The hardships of my early life opened the cage to travel anywhere passion compelled me. Fortunately, those childhood challenges drove me directly into the arms of my best friend and love of my life.

Building trust in a relationship takes time, especially when you’re facing the chaotic events of adolescence and in the unsteady beginning of your career. We both believed in our relationship, and were passionate enough to commit to a life together.

Very difficult trials would lie ahead for us individually and as a couple, but like a gemstone is not polished without rubbing, a relationship is not grown without commitment to the other’s individual growth and fulfillment… especially when you could, rather, focus all your efforts to shining the gems in your own life.. alone. But for me, a life without her, lacked luster, no matter the efforts I made to polish. So, I left the cage of my prior security, and adventured out to find her, earn her trust, and spend the last of my days together loving her.

Birds don’t choose to stay in one place because they’re afraid to fly away. They stay, because they’re home. Wherever my beautiful bride, and the exuberant little cherubs we’ve created together, live… There, I am home.

Often, the most difficult choices are between the sane arguments of your mind and and the crazed intuitions of your heart. As a man of reason, formally schooled in logic and rationality, I’ve come to learn… No matter how much it hurts, choose the heart. Your mind will create every convincing excuse for you to not follow your heart, but sometimes, only those crazed foolish dreams are sane.

Very Respectfully,
Scott Sonnon
www.facebook.com/ScottSonnon

“You kids ready to have a great day today?”

“Yes,” my son and daughter resounded in stereo!

I continued, “I’m excited to come see your play today at school!”

My son said, “Thanks Dad, but don’t forget to shave your face in case any of the other parents or teachers, or any kids have to kiss you.”

Laughing, “Like I run around kissing people. You mean YOU don’t want to have to kiss my scratchy face?”

“Yeah,” my son replies, “It feels like the driveway.”

“HA! So, instead of shooting hoop, you’ve been out there kissing pavement,” I retorted thinking I was witty.

My daughter intervenes, “No, Dad, he means that if YOU had to kiss you, you’d think it was like kissing the pavement. Remember Kai’s skateboard accident? Something like that.”

“OKAY, OKAY! Now, kissing me is like falling off your skateboard and bouncing your face off the concrete,” I pleaded.

My son, the imp, continued, “And shave your head too! It’s always scratchy when we wrestle.”

LOL. “Yeah, yeah, so now you want me to shave my head in case the audience breaks out into a sudden grappling match? Any other requests from the peanut gallery?” I shouldn’t have asked.

“Your back, too?” My daughter smirked at herself.

“WHAT?!? I don’t have a hairy back,” I yelled!

“Not any more,” she grinned, curled her fingers under each armpit, and mouthed the sound, “Ooo. Ooo,” like a gorilla.

Lunging toward her, she threw up her hands and feet falling back onto the couch, “Just kidding, just kidding, no grappling, Captain Scratchy!”

My son saved her, “Don’t worry Dad, we know you’re only scratchy on the outside,” he said deflating my charge.

I hugged them both tightly, and then a little more tightly to remind them that tenderness can turn into a chokehold at any time.

Scott Sonnon

www.facebook.com/scottsonnon

I cried for my mom to give me the final piece of milk toast at dinner, because I was still so hungry. She smiled and handed me the last piece. I hadn’t known that she had not eaten at all yet. She worked two full time jobs, but because of the layoff at the steel foundry, the jobs were minimum wage, and we barely were meeting the bills.

Looking at my two sleeping children today, I understand her sacrifices. Compared with the confusing and narcissistic sensations of childhood hunger, it is not as difficult for an adult to work without food when you get to feed your children because of it.

When my wife and I moved in to our first house, a wood burning one room shack in the mountains, she was very frugal and managed to stretch our budget of $700 per month to pay all of our bills, and feed our newborn. Beans and rice in bulk, and anything else we could squeeze from the coins we found in the couch pillows.

I had nothing built in my career: no books, videos or gyms; just one on one training. Because of our remote location, I spent much of the money I earned on gas. I don’t know how we managed, and there were some desperate nights, but my wife always managed to awake smiling at the sunshine, flowers and our baby’s face. God loves that woman.

We try to volunteer our time for others as much as we can. She’s constantly involved in the community. One of my routine investments involves my best use: writing my articles here to help inspire and motivate others through their hardships and challenges; to which a friend recently remarked, “You spend an hour every morning writing for your audience. Shouldn’t you better use that time in your projects; or at least try and monetize that writing, so you can get a return on it?”

Not everything should be transactional. Sometimes, you just need to give without any expectation of receiving. When you recognize how much you actually have, and how many problems others face, like my Mother and my Wife, it is not so difficult to give. It has helped me through my ongoing challenges as well, for when I feel overwhelmed by the sheer mountain of project deadlines, seminar hours and flight plans, I realize I GET to do this. And my tiny, childish complaints at the volume of work, subside.

When you are at your job, unapologetically insist on getting paid the true value of your skillful labor, and nothing less. But outside of your living means, if you give, you will have all that you need. Despite all their worries for their children, it’s easier to be like my selfless mom and my joyous wife. Even when you feel discouraged, encourage others; not only will their life get easier, yours will too.

Very Respectfully,
Scott Sonnon
www.facebook.com/ScottSonnon

Yesterday, I referred to a young girl who wrote my gardening photos were not “sexy” and that I should stick to photos of my abs and return to fighting MMA because she thought it was sexier than putting my hands in manure. It reminded me of story from my youth, where I was nearly arrested for a crime I hadn’t committed.

When I was 17, a detective walked into the bank where I worked evenings, and asked me to accompany him to the police station. Paranoid, I started asking all sorts of questions because I couldn’t understand what I could have done wrong. He evaded them until we arrived at the station where he asked me about the diamond I had sold the week earlier.

Telling him of my second job as a lifeguard, I explained how I had found the loose diamond at the bottom of the pool while inspecting the drain after closing. He asked me if I had heard about the robbery at the jewelry store a couple weeks earlier? I hadn’t, but I instantly cringed as I put the pieces together on the story he had assembled.

Explaining that they’d been watching me for a week, he asked if I had found the single diamond, why had I been trying to sell jewelry at stores in several nearby towns. Worried and confused, I said, “That’s impossible as I work nearly 16 hours a day between my two jobs at the bank and at the pool trying to save money for college.”

He chuckled wryly, thinking I was lying, “Why do you look so worried then?”

“Well,” I replied, “You think I robbed a jewelry store for one; and two, I’ll probably lose my job even for the suspicion of it.” Asking if I could prove my whereabouts on the date of the robbery, and the date of the attempts to sell jewelry, I said, “Absolutely. I worked all of those dates.” Then, it was his turn to look confused.

He snatched up one paper very closely, and then another and compared them with earnest. “Spell your last name, please.” I did, “S.O.N.N.O.N.” He dropped the papers to the desk and sat back saying, “I am very sorry for the confusion, Scott, but it seems that we’ve made a mistake. The individual attempting to sell the stolen jewelry is a Scott Sonnen; with an ‘E’.”

My initial reaction was total relief, but then, I thought about my job. Who in the world at the bank was going to believe this story? As predicted, I ended up losing both jobs the next week, though the managers said it wasn’t related to the allegations.

The detective called me to apologize again, “Scott, we had made a major mistake. We know that you were fired from your jobs because they weren’t comfortable with the rumors of your involvement in a crime, despite our insistence that you were innocent. I take full responsibility. You seem like a good kid working hard, and now you’re only going to need to work harder because of our actions. I’m sorry. When you need a reference for a new job, please let me know. I will do whatever I can.”

(Ironically, I now work with law enforcement agencies around the world, most likely because of this one man’s incredible character to accept full accountability for a mistake and offer to help make up for it.)

At 18 years old, I had made a lot of blunders, and I was going to make many more mistakes before I got older. But at that frightening point of nearly being arrested for a crime I hadn’t committed, and regardless of my innocence losing two jobs critical to my future, I realized a stark reality: Who you are and what others think of you are often disparate, and sometimes opposite each other.

Ralph Waldo Emerson wrote, “The only person you’re destined to be is the one you decide to be.” Others may think they know of me, but they have no idea who I really am. Not even I do. I AM whoever I decide to become, no matter who others think I was. I’ve reinvented myself many times, because I’ve outgrown the husk which restricted my growth. I’ve also kept fighting for my development when others typecast me as a failure, with a flawed mind and a defective body.

When I overhear or read the words of others pigeonholing someone with negative definitions, I think to myself how much harder my life had been because of prior definitions upon me. How much farther would I have been able to travel in my journey without those definitions, or at least much less painful and more enjoyable would my journey have been to this point, had others not held such low and negative expectations of my potential?

You may never be “understood,” even by those closest to you. But those who really love you and belong in your life, will accept you for the changes you will continually make over the course of your life… Because who you are is so much more than we can fathom, and even in several lifetimes, due to its immensity, you could not unearth ALL of your potential. It’s bottomless, limitless.

No matter how others define you, only you can define yourself. Despite all events which seem to destroy your reputation, keep working, keep going. Your reputation is only what others think of you. Your character is who you really are. Be true to your character, and nothing can stop you.
Character is the one thing we make in this world
and take with us into the next.
The circumstances amid which you live determine your reputation;
the truth you believe determines your character.
Reputation is what you are supposed to be;
Character is what you are.
Reputation is the photograph;
Character is the face.
Reputation comes over one from without;
Character grows up from within.
Reputation is what you have when you come to a new community;
Character is what you have when you go away.
Reputation is made in a moment;
Character is built in a lifetime.
Your reputation is learned in an hour;
Your character doesn’t come to light for a year.
Reputation grows like a mushroom;
Character grows like the oak.
A single newspaper report gives you your reputation;
A life of toil gives you your character.
Reputation makes you rich or makes you poor;
Character makes you happy or makes you miserable.
Reputation is what men say about you on your tombstone;
Character is what angels say about you before the throne of God.
~ William Hersey Davis

Very Respectfully,
Scott Sonnon
www.facebook.com/ScottSonnon

“Dad, can I eat what you’re eating for breakfast?”

“Son, that’s a LOT of food. It’ll take some practice.”

“But Dad, didn’t you know: muscles are made of food! If I want to be stronger than you, I have to eat better than you.”

“Haha! You’re right. Now that you figured out my secret, I’ll always have to give you just a little bit less than me.”

“DAD!!!”

Scott Sonnon

www.facebook.com/scottsonnon

Last week a naive young girl wrote on my timeline, “Stick to posting photos of your abs and shoulders. No girl thinks these photos of your garden are sexy. Go back to fighting MMA. THAT shit is sexy. What’s sexy about shoving your hands in manure? Your losing my attention.”

Darlin, I’m a 43 year old father with a broken eye, busted teeth and more irrigation ditches on his face than the Nile’s got tributaries. I’m fortunate enough to have a beautiful, near-sighted wife who doesn’t care what I look like despite the 17 years we’ve known each other. I am merely a simple man who hasn’t tried to be sexy for a very long time.

I know the peace of building something with my own hands, and laying them in soil to bring new sustainability to my community and family. I do this because I have known the anguish of a discontented soul seeking distractions from a mind lacking tranquility.

I know how to fight and have the medals and memories collecting dust. I have no more aspirations for glory, as I know the costs of fighting are not bloodied cuts and broken bones, but the emotional repercussions of visiting violence upon an aggressor even when your actions are entirely reasonable and justifiable.

Likewise, I don’t care much for politics because no matter the side, politicians manage to make things worse. I haven’t met a man of character among them that I’d allow to protect and nurture my children without my supervision. So, I depend upon my own shoulders and gut to make choices regardless of how much of a mess they’ve made things. That’s why I’m fit. Not to be sexy but ready to carry the burden of responsibilities alone through hardships.

And I’m not particularly puritanical about sexiness, living by some lofty moral code. Despite working with and for some of the world’s most significant religious leaders, I don’t care much for religion. Institutions always seem to degenerate into tyrannical positions speaking on behalf of the Creator. If God created simple men like me, I think I’m totally comfortable listening to my own good sense, without someone needing to tell me who should not be allowed into Heaven and who should go to Hell. I don’t try to avoid sexiness, nor try to impose modesty. Being sexy just isn’t my goal.

I don’t need to attract sexual attention, so sorry you’ve been under the impression that I was trying to hold your focus by posting photos to my page.

Fitness for me is not about trying to please someone else’s sense of beauty, but rather it is for expanding my own ability to be my best use to those whom I can help.

You are better than you’re allowing yourself to be, deeper than the shallow surface you’re permitting yourself to dig and wider than you’re believing you can explore.

Needing to be sexy cannot bring you satisfaction, rather only fleeting pleasures which leave you lonely and starving for something greater.

You are all you need. No man or woman can complete you. You are already complete.

Get back to the basics. Get a feel for something simple, honest and useful. In anything, you can find yourself, because you’re already and always there.

very respectfully,
Scott Sonnon
www.facebook.com/ScottSonnon

My professor told me to leave University, “Mr. Sonnon, do you want to regurgitate the words of dead men, or inspire others with your wild questions? You cannot inspire others with answers. The secret to living an uninspired life is to have an answer for everything. First one LIVES and sees the folly of believing that you know the answers, then one inspires others with the humility to ask better questions. Leave here, and take the daring adventure which frightens you most. If you emerge from the other side, you’ll have your inspirational message.”

I thought to myself, “But how do I know what to do or go, when I don’t even know who I am? I feel like I don’t know anything!” Clairvoyantly reading my expression, he continued, “The fundamental function of wisdom is not to answer questions, but to question answers. Do not foolishly attempt to give people all your answers. Only by going through your own trials and tribulations will you realize that no answer will ever suffice; only asking better questions.”

As I set out on my own, leaving the shelter of the University and the warm blanket which others’ words provided, answer after answer failed to perfectly fit my problems. Each needed to be modified, adapted and revised. As a result, every person I met taught me something I didn’t know by forcing me to scrap my ill-fitting solutions, and ask better questions.

Voltaire wrote, “Judge a man not by his questions rather than by his answers.” When I was younger, I thought my goal in life was to learn all the answers, at least to my problems and issues. But as I’ve grown, I’ve learned that the goal is to ask better questions about the opportunities with which we are challenged.

Instead of asking these questions: Why do I have these problems? Why can’t I figure out the answer to this situation? Why doesn’t anyone save me from this, and stop this pain?

Ask yourself: How could this challenge secretly serve me? How could this pain or hardship silently benefit me? What advantage could it possibly bring my experience? What opportunity could gracefully enduring this create?

Very Respectfully,
Scott Sonnon
www.facebook.com/ScottSonnon