the loving family...

[Coach Mohrdieck]

Hi tribe,
I need a little tribal support for a friend of mine, who's training karate with me.
She love to train Karate and she's getting quite fast quite good. After she did't showed up in my class I called her and ask what the hell is happening and she told me, that her grandmother makes enourmous pressure on her to stop martial art training, because it's not, what a young lady should do, yada yada... And after all the Grandma isn't a person who listen to arguments but just want to have control over her children and grandchildren.
To make a long story short. She stopped training because of her grandma and the fear of the terror she would do to her family when she keep on training. It's clear that she must liberate from her, cause today it's "just" sport, tommorrow it's her boyfriend, study, her whole life.
But because it's a tight family affair I need a way for her which keeps the family okay and allows her to attend training without bad conscience.

I would be very happy for any help!
Raimar

[anthonyantosh]

Hi Raimar,
Not knowing the parties involved it hard for me to say for sure, BUT. In my opinion there needs to be an open channel for communication. If the grandmother understood how much this means it might be different. The perception of women in martial arts or weight lifting is disturbing. More needs to be done to break down the walls that have set up by people.
Good Luck,
Tony

[dave_rusin]

Perhaps your friend can frame the discussion with her family in terms of the benefits, especially her personal safety... How could they argue against an endeavor that will likely increase your friend's ability to survive a violent encounter??

[rbibbs]

Tough situation Raimar. Assuming this is a young person who wants to consider and respect the wishes of senior family members. But as you say, the grandmother seems to have based her "decision" on a very one-sided image. "Control" may indeed be her motive, and it will be very hard to argue against that, she won't be listening. But it may not be. Maybe she will still discuss it rationally, and recognize the benefits like healthy physical development and as Dave points out, personal safety. Would the girl's parents intervene with grandmother?

But if grandmother really won't listen, it becomes a family issue, and I don't think we want to be in the position of encouraging a young person to go against their family's wishes. We may have to wait until this student is of legal age and can make decisions for herself. If the situation really is a controlling grandparent, it is indeed a serious issue she will have to deal with at some point, with the help of texts on that subject and the support of concerned friends like you.

Rick

[Chuck Kechter]

One of the hardest lessons I've had to learn in life is that I only have control over myself and have none over others.
Be there for her as a friend. Make suggestions--all that you like, but please keep in mind that you can't live another's life for them.
Don't become so invested in her life that you lose sight of your own. It is not your place to find the path of her evolution. It is hers and hers alone.
Until the youngster is ready to carve her own space from the family, and thus truly call herself an adult (which by definition contains a separation from one's family influences), there's not much you can, nor probably should, do.
As you take responsibility for your life, let her take responsibility for hers.

Chuck

[SteveB]

One important question is: how old is this young lady? In other words, does this represent a possibly unhealthy kowtowing to convention (if she is over 18) as opposed to a family issue that has to be dealt with quite differently if she is younger than this. Martial arts will be there for her when she is older, if her grandmother is an impassable obstacle. What are the family values the grandmother is trying to protect? Presenting martial arts as an exercise producing an attractive physique has worked for some families. Supporting your friend in being clear about her values and true to them in all ways is sometimes the best we can hope for, however.

Steve

[Coach Mohrdieck]

Thank you all for sharing your thoughts.
You all gave me some good advices to think about and figure out what helps and what makes it worse.

to Rick and Dave:
She tried A LOT to discuss her problem with her granny, but grandma isn't listening at all. She even denied the benefits of personal safety, which should be important and her wish for her grandchild!

to Chuck:
That's completly true! Thank you very much for reminding me.

to Steve:
She's 18, which means she is 'adult' be german law.
But you all know that no1 is grown-up with 18 years.
One shouldn't forget that she's depending on her family because she hasn't finished school and has no job.

I guess it's important for beeing there for her but to let her live her life and don't try to take control over her from my side, which would make me another 'grandmother', and that she don't need.

I keep you update.

Raimar