lorenzodamarith
02-04-2009, 01:18 AM
hello,
hey tribe, coaches. recently discovered the mighty szolek. with each post, he becomes more impressive. since we haven't met, he is an IDEA. a valuable idea. didn't get the full measure of how important an idea this man is until running across this.
some of you know him, some of you love him. understand that posting the following is not an effort to dredge up hard memories for coach szolek. it is an effort to show everyone here the man that is an idea, through the eyes of this skull...
coach szolek wrote:
This is something that just recently came to a head in my daily practice and even then tried to remain buried.
As has been fairly evident my presence on the forum here among the tribe has been inconsistent and/or absent for the past month or so and I feel I need to explain this to those of you who have helped me grow in so many ways, and those of you who have looked to me for help in your own growth.
As I mentioned above an issue recently came to the surface during my spinal mobility training that has been well guarded for 14 years now, and the process of this realization has lead to stresses with every member of the family that I work and live, for and with in these recent months.
I learned early in life what Irony means when my mother lost a two year battle with leukemia on mother's day of 1991. If you do the math you'll see that here's a 10 year old kid trying to figure out why his mother died on the one day set aside to celebrate her.
Now May is generally never my best month of the year because of the emotional load those memories carry, but I will say that I've done well to accept this lesson even though I don't understand it. This year however my healing and mourning took a relapse when for the first time ever I found myself in a bar on Mother's day feeling very alone and very depressed and shrinking more and more inside myself every time someone asked me if I had called my mother that day to wish her a happy mother's day. I am thankful to have had some friendly faces present to see me home safely if not keep me taking shot after shot.
I awoke the next day feeling like I'd grown backwards several years (that's the best way I can describe it anyway). And there the stage had been set for me to wander well into an extended depressed state which has lasted until I feel just a few days ago. So what's changed to make it better? Well with the depression came excuse after excuse to get me avoid the work and growth of good training. But by the accountability and patience of my brothers Scott and Dan I did continue my daily movement practice which ultimately proved to be a key factor in getting me through this dark night. So I figured if I had to practice daily I was going to use my anger to tear into my practice. I didn't know why I was training that area so intensely but I knew that it was what I needed to be doing so I went with it.
Testing the patience of those that care so much about me I allowed my depression to twist what had previously been an innocent pleasure of having a pint or two while shooting some pool, into repeated voyages into excess that slowly began to deteriorate the Doug that they know and love. And still I knew that I had to be up and ready for practice where I could tear into myself for reasons that still eluded me.
Then about two weeks ago I began to cry while in a very extreme back bend at the end of a very long practice session. I felt no pain and hadn't caused any injury that I could tell so the tears left me rather confused. When it happened again I mentioned it to Scott and he asked what I thought could cause it. At the time to me it seemed like some deeply wound chain of tension was releasing pressure in my sinuses and allowing the tears to flow. Now I don't know the anatomy of it too well but this is what came to my mind so he told me to go with it, which I didn't understand but did out of trust. The practice continued to deepen and the tears kept coming in varying degrees.
About a week later I was playing with one of the most important people in my life, a two year old bundle of joy and love that never ceases to teach me things about honest expression and unashamed love. She had "knocked" me down and was jumping on my belly when her mother noticed that my breath sounded as though I had a chest cold. She asked and I said that I was in the last stages of a "sinus and chest thing" that I imagined had been spawned form second hand smoke and allergies (for as long as I can remember I've never been able to admit when I'm sick, it's always a chest thing or a throat thing). She promptly had her daughter come away from me explaining that I was sick. I didn't know why but this hurt me like a knife to my gut even though I knew she was looking out very well for the health of her daughter.
So with that in mind I went away with this sort of mixed rejection to my daily practice. And sure enough when I got to the spinal mobility, a well blocked memory of the last time that I saw mother conscious and aware came flooding to me.
She had been in and out of the hospitals for increasing durations, and it happened that her condition was slipping too far for my father to care for her at home so once again a bag was packed and my parents were heading to the hospital. One of the things that most impresses me about my father is how he literally lived with her in her hospital room while she was unable to be home. My brothers had lined up to hug her and say there goodbyes and while I wanted nothing more than to run to her arms I knew that I was being attacked by a flu bug that could very easily be fatal for her with her immune system being so week (being a Registered Nurse she made it a point to teach us everything she could about her illness). I said that I wanted to hug her but I couldn't because I was sick so I had to say my goodbye from across the room aching on the couch.
It's funny now that I remember this event it's as plain as day but it was totally lost until just a few days ago. She lost consciousness during that hospital stay before I and my brothers’ first visit, she never woke up again. So it seems that from then on I have just been afraid to admit when I'm sick because of what it cost me that day.
More of exactly how the spinal mobility is tied to the sinus tension and fear of sickness is being revealed to me every practice session but I still don't fully understand it. What I do understand is that it's going to take me a lot of work to let go of this fear, I know I'm on the right track but at the same time I know that this new old memory has regressed some of the original healing associated with her death so as always, the road is growth one step at a time.
I appreciate you taking the time to hear me out on this issue as I know that it was hurting me to keep it bottled up. With the realization that has resulted from this dark time comes also the realization that until this issue is healed I am not emotionally stable enough to enjoy what may otherwise be an innocent indulgence. Beyond this I know that now more than ever I need to be hitting the iron hard and heavy to purge the emotional discharge from my soul. So long story short, I'm back, and happy to be. You guys know that I love you all, and again I appreciate the trust that is cultivated among the tribe so that I can speak when heavy issues such as this come out of my practice and life. Anyway, I'm off to what I imagine will be one of the better nights of sleep that I've had in a few months.
In faith,
that was an... unexpected post. didn't figure to find something like that here.
coach szolek, the tribe and coaches who know you, speak so highly of you it is astonishing. they presented the image of near invincibility. they admire you that much.
what you showed here, was a man who has fears, doubts and experiences pain. your loss was horrific, as is not being able to "properly" say goodbye as you wished to.
you also showed that you will allow friends to help you when you need it most. you showed that you will acknowledge shortcomings and learn from them, not cover them up or rationalize them.
your physical exploits are most impressive, but this is on another level entirely. the realization, facing yourself and saying "something is wrong. what is it?" and following through to solve the problem takes SPINE. sheer, unadulterated SPINE.
there is much to be learned here, and we, the tribe, should feel fortunate you were willing to teach this. lesser men would have simply remained silent.
what started as a personal investigation into simple physicality, has become something more. a search for what is real. truth. self realization. this post is a STUNNING example of how much truth one can survive, tell and teach.
coach szolek, do you understand now, why you are an IDEA?
huge respect.
thanks
hey tribe, coaches. recently discovered the mighty szolek. with each post, he becomes more impressive. since we haven't met, he is an IDEA. a valuable idea. didn't get the full measure of how important an idea this man is until running across this.
some of you know him, some of you love him. understand that posting the following is not an effort to dredge up hard memories for coach szolek. it is an effort to show everyone here the man that is an idea, through the eyes of this skull...
coach szolek wrote:
This is something that just recently came to a head in my daily practice and even then tried to remain buried.
As has been fairly evident my presence on the forum here among the tribe has been inconsistent and/or absent for the past month or so and I feel I need to explain this to those of you who have helped me grow in so many ways, and those of you who have looked to me for help in your own growth.
As I mentioned above an issue recently came to the surface during my spinal mobility training that has been well guarded for 14 years now, and the process of this realization has lead to stresses with every member of the family that I work and live, for and with in these recent months.
I learned early in life what Irony means when my mother lost a two year battle with leukemia on mother's day of 1991. If you do the math you'll see that here's a 10 year old kid trying to figure out why his mother died on the one day set aside to celebrate her.
Now May is generally never my best month of the year because of the emotional load those memories carry, but I will say that I've done well to accept this lesson even though I don't understand it. This year however my healing and mourning took a relapse when for the first time ever I found myself in a bar on Mother's day feeling very alone and very depressed and shrinking more and more inside myself every time someone asked me if I had called my mother that day to wish her a happy mother's day. I am thankful to have had some friendly faces present to see me home safely if not keep me taking shot after shot.
I awoke the next day feeling like I'd grown backwards several years (that's the best way I can describe it anyway). And there the stage had been set for me to wander well into an extended depressed state which has lasted until I feel just a few days ago. So what's changed to make it better? Well with the depression came excuse after excuse to get me avoid the work and growth of good training. But by the accountability and patience of my brothers Scott and Dan I did continue my daily movement practice which ultimately proved to be a key factor in getting me through this dark night. So I figured if I had to practice daily I was going to use my anger to tear into my practice. I didn't know why I was training that area so intensely but I knew that it was what I needed to be doing so I went with it.
Testing the patience of those that care so much about me I allowed my depression to twist what had previously been an innocent pleasure of having a pint or two while shooting some pool, into repeated voyages into excess that slowly began to deteriorate the Doug that they know and love. And still I knew that I had to be up and ready for practice where I could tear into myself for reasons that still eluded me.
Then about two weeks ago I began to cry while in a very extreme back bend at the end of a very long practice session. I felt no pain and hadn't caused any injury that I could tell so the tears left me rather confused. When it happened again I mentioned it to Scott and he asked what I thought could cause it. At the time to me it seemed like some deeply wound chain of tension was releasing pressure in my sinuses and allowing the tears to flow. Now I don't know the anatomy of it too well but this is what came to my mind so he told me to go with it, which I didn't understand but did out of trust. The practice continued to deepen and the tears kept coming in varying degrees.
About a week later I was playing with one of the most important people in my life, a two year old bundle of joy and love that never ceases to teach me things about honest expression and unashamed love. She had "knocked" me down and was jumping on my belly when her mother noticed that my breath sounded as though I had a chest cold. She asked and I said that I was in the last stages of a "sinus and chest thing" that I imagined had been spawned form second hand smoke and allergies (for as long as I can remember I've never been able to admit when I'm sick, it's always a chest thing or a throat thing). She promptly had her daughter come away from me explaining that I was sick. I didn't know why but this hurt me like a knife to my gut even though I knew she was looking out very well for the health of her daughter.
So with that in mind I went away with this sort of mixed rejection to my daily practice. And sure enough when I got to the spinal mobility, a well blocked memory of the last time that I saw mother conscious and aware came flooding to me.
She had been in and out of the hospitals for increasing durations, and it happened that her condition was slipping too far for my father to care for her at home so once again a bag was packed and my parents were heading to the hospital. One of the things that most impresses me about my father is how he literally lived with her in her hospital room while she was unable to be home. My brothers had lined up to hug her and say there goodbyes and while I wanted nothing more than to run to her arms I knew that I was being attacked by a flu bug that could very easily be fatal for her with her immune system being so week (being a Registered Nurse she made it a point to teach us everything she could about her illness). I said that I wanted to hug her but I couldn't because I was sick so I had to say my goodbye from across the room aching on the couch.
It's funny now that I remember this event it's as plain as day but it was totally lost until just a few days ago. She lost consciousness during that hospital stay before I and my brothers’ first visit, she never woke up again. So it seems that from then on I have just been afraid to admit when I'm sick because of what it cost me that day.
More of exactly how the spinal mobility is tied to the sinus tension and fear of sickness is being revealed to me every practice session but I still don't fully understand it. What I do understand is that it's going to take me a lot of work to let go of this fear, I know I'm on the right track but at the same time I know that this new old memory has regressed some of the original healing associated with her death so as always, the road is growth one step at a time.
I appreciate you taking the time to hear me out on this issue as I know that it was hurting me to keep it bottled up. With the realization that has resulted from this dark time comes also the realization that until this issue is healed I am not emotionally stable enough to enjoy what may otherwise be an innocent indulgence. Beyond this I know that now more than ever I need to be hitting the iron hard and heavy to purge the emotional discharge from my soul. So long story short, I'm back, and happy to be. You guys know that I love you all, and again I appreciate the trust that is cultivated among the tribe so that I can speak when heavy issues such as this come out of my practice and life. Anyway, I'm off to what I imagine will be one of the better nights of sleep that I've had in a few months.
In faith,
that was an... unexpected post. didn't figure to find something like that here.
coach szolek, the tribe and coaches who know you, speak so highly of you it is astonishing. they presented the image of near invincibility. they admire you that much.
what you showed here, was a man who has fears, doubts and experiences pain. your loss was horrific, as is not being able to "properly" say goodbye as you wished to.
you also showed that you will allow friends to help you when you need it most. you showed that you will acknowledge shortcomings and learn from them, not cover them up or rationalize them.
your physical exploits are most impressive, but this is on another level entirely. the realization, facing yourself and saying "something is wrong. what is it?" and following through to solve the problem takes SPINE. sheer, unadulterated SPINE.
there is much to be learned here, and we, the tribe, should feel fortunate you were willing to teach this. lesser men would have simply remained silent.
what started as a personal investigation into simple physicality, has become something more. a search for what is real. truth. self realization. this post is a STUNNING example of how much truth one can survive, tell and teach.
coach szolek, do you understand now, why you are an IDEA?
huge respect.
thanks