Flat-footed Journey!

[Robert V]

After all the great explanations I read, I've decided to focus on my journey in the depths of the "flat-footed" squat. This movements has haunted me for a long time. When I first saw the Zdorovye material and viewed all of the flat-footed squats, I simply put the tape on the shelf and thought I'd never be able to do it.

20 years ago when I competed in Olympic weightlifting, this was no problem. Yet, I stopped and went to powerlifting in my early 20s(I'm 37...almost 38 now).

I have found no rhyme or reason for this limitation. I can do so many other movements with ease, but this seems to be the focal point of all of my "fear reactivity".

It's embarassing to be the instructor of my yoga class, yet being the only one who isn't comfortable in the position.

If I have someone hold my fingers lightly, while I squat, I have no problem. If I'm doing weighted squats(front, back or "mole", I have no problems,(as a matter of fact, it feels so good it's a high) but on my own: RT seems to average about a 5 and RPD is usually 8! I can feel limitations in my upper quads and illiopsoas. They grip as if they are holding on for dear life. I also feel restriction in my thoracic region.

The reason I'm going to only focus on this movement is that I do sooo much. I teach two 2 hour classes with a heavy content of BME and yoga/pilates. I also do FF weighted squats in the gym, between my cardio workouts and I to the squats with my Clubbell workout. (Is this a good idea? Or should I put everything down?)

Note: Several months ago, I was finally able to do the squats comfortably and consistently. Then, I pulled a groin muscle and I had to begin from scratch again.

My inner hip flexor muscles seem to always be tender.

I recently had a cranio-sacrum session and the therapist asked me about any serious accidents in my past. I remembered being hit by a car as a teenager. She believes my body still might be fighting defensively with tension from the accident. I don't know.

I have to go teach now. This is usually the routine, I begin dreading the FF squats hours before the class.

I will log after class.

Thank you,

Robert

[Robert V]

Funny, after reading what I wrote, I think I realize that "I am enforcing trauma that has not been released". So, I did a lot less squats tonight.

I practice in one of my normal classes, which is a small salon.

I felt tired as usual before class. I taught school all day. I ate part of the school lunch, one beef tortilla and applesauce. I drank two bottles of water. I had a little rice after school with chicken. More water. I rested for about 45 minutes and went to class.

I started my class as usual with WW. I beginning to wonder if doing all of the one leg balances I do is creating some type of muscle imbalance in my hip flexors, gluteus medius and such...

I did a 4 K-chains (flat-footed squat, quad squat, down dog, quad squat and back to flat-footed squat) I felt tight in my hip flexors. RPE=8, RT=5, RPD=(FF squat only) 7.5.

Going into the squat, I knew I would be tight, therefore I did not let the poor performance effect me emotionally. I could feel my failure before I started it. Yet, I also had brief flashes of the times I could do a comfortable squat. And within milli-seconds, I pondered "why" the different results?

After the k-chain, we did vinyasas in Sun Salutation form and core work, combining traditional pilates and Dykhaniye and ending the session with some static asanas for the back.

It is challenging to keep my mind, body and spirit integrated when I am teaching and watching everyone else. It is more of a workshop than a class.

Eating chicken and rice for dinner.

Again, maybe I should not be doing any squats now. But what should I do?

Thank you,

Robert

[rbibbs]

Not saying it's 'right' Robert... or saying it's a solution... my instinct in that position is to rest my humeruses (humerii seemed too elegant) on my knees, with pressure preference (60-70%) toward the tricep. Something about the balance/feedback, and the outstretched forearms counterbalancing. It's a relaxing alternative to standing rather than an exertion, even though my knees tend heavily toward deficits of flexibility.

Might only be my instinct. I'm a 'fringe' bodytype, 5'11 140 (same size since 1962).

On the hip tensions... by no means an 'authoritative' perspective... could you be resistance-training those muscles just beyond their genetic predisposition as to size and tonus? Tried just working on flexibility? Sorry if these are like 'obvious', I'm a layman.

Not that genetic predisposition is insurmountable, but that it may insist on a more circuitous approach, and more patience. (An affinity for running into brick walls can also be an asset.)

[Scott Sonnon]

Robert,

Stop doing squats for now. Yes, with your training load your additional squatting may be reinforcing the trauma. If you need weight to go into position, you haven't released the area; you're only using force to move through the residual tension of that area.

Please expand upon the tension in your quads, iliopsoas, and thorax. What does it feel like discomfort wise? How does it pull at your body when in position? When does it begin during the movement downward and how suddenly does it intensify?

When does your groin feel tender and how does the sensation feel: sharp, burning, aching, throbbing, stinging? Is it at a point or along the length?

Try holding on to a rope or belt around a pole and move into position. Does this change the difficulty? How?

Finally, please expand upon the accident you had being hit by a car. Imagine the event, and describe it as it unfolded. How do you feel about it, and what does it make you imagine when you reflect upon it? After you think about the event, evaluate the tension throughout your body. Please expand upon it here.

Don't worry, amigo.

[Scott Sonnon]

Robert,

I hope you don't mind me importing this email into this discussion, because I think it's relevant.
Scott,
I was hoping you could help me out.
I have no problem doing this:
http://www.yogajournal.com/poses/posesimages/15.jpg
I have no problems doing a forward bend, touching my head to the floor in these positions:
http://www.yogajournal.com/poses/posesimages/16.jpg
http://www.yogajournal.com/poses/posesimages/20.jpg
But I can't go all the way down with a flat back from these positions:
http://www.yogajournal.com/poses/posesimages/39.jpg
http://www.yogajournal.com/poses/posesimages/9.jpg
Where is my limitation? What should I be focusing on? What movements target the area?

Is that enough info?

Thanks,
Robert
Jodie and I discussed this and your email combined with your posts here make us suspect that your giving out too much to the community and not focusing enough upon yourself. In other words, it's an inhalation issue instead of the more common (in my opinion) male exhalation issue.

This appears to manifest as an overemphasis of forward bending. You're very strong there. But we suspect you may not be opening up - you're back-bending not receiving an equal distribution of attention overall.

How is your performance in the following:
Shin Bridge - http://www.yogajournal.com/poses/688_1.cfm
Shoulder Bridge - http://www.yogajournal.com/poses/472_1.cfm
Standing Bow - http://www.yogajournal.com/poses/936_1.cfm

We believe that you may need to focus upon these to open up the tension clenching your quads, iliopsoas and upper chest in a forward bending "kinetic chain" of tension. I suspect this may be related to the accident. Were you hit from behind? How do you feel about being thrown from behind (belly to back for instance)? Extremely fearful? Are you very uneasy about falling backwards?

[Robert V]

I can't believe how simply logging in your work, things appear that you never thought of before. Again, looking at my work in the squat area, I asked myself, "what are you doing?"

Buddha said all attachment leads to suffering and for the past year I've been totally attached(obsessed) to/with the FF squat.

I already have a rope attached to a pole in my apartment that I use for squatting. When I use it, my I feel little exertion in my hip flexors, but I still feel a forward pull from the muscles in my upper thoracic region(rhomboids). My body is hunched over when I get competely down. I begin to feel the pull in my hip flexors half way down, that's when the self doubt really sets in.

The tenderness(between my Iliopsoas and groin)has amplified upon concluding the class.

I can do the camel pose or shin bridge and shoulder bridge just fine. As a matter of fact, the camel pose gives me a very positive emotional sensation. Freedom! Yet, I don't do it as much for it's challenging for many students(Note. I had trouble with this for awhile until a yoga instructor gave me a private lesson). The shoulder bridge, I do routinely and just recently I've started doing this variation of standing bow: http://www.ir.235.ca/images/Bow-side.jpg

I get a similar positive sensation with the standing bow. I usually do it between sets of front squats with just the bar. Normally, I do the version from the 4CBD.

My chest and shoulders are tight from bench press competition career.

When I was 15 or 16, I was riding my bike about 4am in the morning to go pull tobacco with my cousin.(That's how kids made "back to school" money.) A drunk driver hit me from behind on my left side. No broken bones, but a concussion and I had a clott in my left leg. I have very little recollection of that whole period of my life. My mother died shortly before that and much of my adolescent life is a blank. I don't think about that period of my life. I often say my life began when I entered the army at 17. I do remember being disabled for awhile and since I was "very" independent, that was one of the most horrid things that could happen to someone like me.

I have no fear of falling, but in college I had a difficult time learning to do back handsprings. I did have a definite fear of going backwards, overhead. Still do!

I should of known better to "attack" my issue like I have. It's everything I preach not to do.

Thank you,

Robert

[Robert V]

Oh, the tenderness is just that "tender to the touch". I don't feel it unless I attempt the FF squat or when I'm doing a double leg swoop with my knees flexed, as I open my legs to bring one knee towards my chest.

[Scott Sonnon]

Okay, that helps more. I had thought you were saying your anterior chain on your trunk, but now I understand you speak to the posterior chain up top and the anterior chain below. Seems clearer now.

Palpate these areas and give record the Rating of Perceived Discomfort (RPD) on a scale of 1-10 (1 being very mild discomfort and 10 being the worst pain ever experienced): Calcaneal spur, Achilles tendon, both fibular heads, your coccyx, iliac crest, both trochanter majors, and spinal L4 to S1. Let me know, and we can move forward.

[Robert V]

Calcaneal spur(1-L and 8-R), Achilles tendon(0-L, 1-R), both fibular heads(Both -1), your coccyx(0), iliac crest(Both 2 now, last night 4), both trochanter majors(0), and spinal L4 to S1(0).
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Notes: I sufferred external trauma on my right ankle about six weeks ago, during Judo randori. A 270lb Judo fell on my ankle. I'm not sure how it happen, for was too adrenalized at the time. It won't heal. (or I yet to give it time to heal). Two weeks later, my left ankle began to bother me, but it went away a week later.

I don't know if this matters, but I had a severe hamstring pull on my left leg, during my last year in the army. I pulled it in a martial arts exhibition, when I jumped of a platform and landed in a full split. The next day, I had to go on a 12 mile hike with full gear. I "had" to, for I was the SGT and had to lead by example. No excuses. Of course, I continued my normal infantry routine with the damaged hamstring. It took about ten years for it to heal.

I had ankle problems for years until I began doing the 4CBD and variations of standing postures. My ankles had been solid for the last three years, until this accident.

I apologize for the amnesia, but I just don't think about some of those things anymore.

I was also "uchimata-ed" so severely two years ago, that it pulled groin muscles on both legs.

I truly appreciate this insight.

Robert

[Robert V]

I know it's insane that I've overlooked all of the external trauma I've endured but....

I don't know if this is a factor either, but my ACL tear was on my left knee. It happen when Noe Hernandez(Chuck Liddell's first opponent in the UFC) caught me in a double leg grapevine, from a mounted position. He was 260lbs at the time. It was a "high pressure" situation, where I had to do well against him. I guess I didn't!

I don't know if I could of done a full FF squat before the injury or not, for I didn't practice them back then.

My knee is 110% now, thanks to WW and BodyFlow!

[Scott Sonnon]

Okay, amigo, let's stay focused. All of this was useful information. I see the following phrase as the key satellite you've thrown into orbit:
When I was 15 or 16, I was riding my bike about 4am in the morning to go pull tobacco with my cousin.(That's how kids made "back to school" money.) A drunk driver hit me from behind on my left side. No broken bones, but a concussion and I had a clott in my left leg. I have very little recollection of that whole period of my life. My mother died shortly before that and much of my adolescent life is a blank. I don't think about that period of my life. I often say my life began when I entered the army at 17. I do remember being disabled for awhile and since I was "very" independent, that was one of the most horrid things that could happen to someone like me. Please delve more deeply here. If you feel comfortable in this private section, could you please describe how you feel when you delve into that portion of your suppressed memory? This key paragraph represents the central issue we need to address, my intuition says.

[Robert V]

This is tough, Scott.

Like I said, I don't like to think about that period of my life. My mother had divorced my father about three years before she died. Four years before she died, she was diagnoised with MS and paralyzed from the neck down. My brother, sisters and I had to do everything for her. Feed her, bathe her and our adolenscent lives sort of stopped. We had little or no money coming in, except for her Social Security. I had older siblings, but they were away.

When she died, we were in one way forced to be "independent" and in another "dependent", for there were just some things 16 and 15 year olds couldn't do.

As an independent soul, I hated having people do anything for me who were not my parents. That bike ride where I had the accident was to a job to get money for my own food and clothing.

I was the most independent of the bunch and was ridiculed a little, for I "was forced to ask for help" when I got back from the hospital and could not walk.

I'm not too clear, but whatever was wrong with my leg, the doctors believed that if I wasn't walking on my own in a matter of time, they would have to operate on my leg.
In a way, a welcomed the challenge to regain my stability, for I always wanted to be my own "Rocky" story. I did regain my stability and I never had the surgery. I wish I knew what the actual problem was with my leg.

I had subconsciously or consciously blocked a lot of that stuff out of my memory, for (I see now) they were uncontrollable forces. It wasn't until I enter the Army(escape) that I had more control of my destiny.

This is the most I've talked about this in over 20 years. It hurts a little, I'm not going to lie.

[Scott Sonnon]

Amigo,

I'm not going to B.S. you. I suspect there's something really important here for you - a physically traumatic accident deeply anchored to one if not the most highly emotionally charged periods of your life. The anchor seems to be that both of them simultaneously regard being knocked down from behind (and also to 'sitting down' on the job.)

As men, we prefer action... regardless of whether we use forward pressure to escape the demons nipping at our heels. Tough call, amigo, but judging on your injury history, it reads as if you keep on receiving SCREAMING signals (injuries) to slow down and take a look at "something."

Perhaps you should take a couple days to consider all of this disclosure. Then, when you're ready, find some sacred time in solitude with no concern for interruption. I don't know. Perhaps the writing of it was cathartic enough and you're ready now. Only you can decide.

When you are ready, I suggest you start revisiting the issue, while working ankles to thorax: 10 circles both directions with your ankles, knees, pelvis, lumbar region and thoracic region. Polish it off with 10 neck circles in both directions just to reset Primary Control. Then, head down to your flat-foot squat, and revisit all of that suppressed memory again.

I suspect that if you 'go to those areas' (your quads, iliopsoas and rhomboids), you will be able to tell them that they did their job well in holding you up, keeping you from falling back, from falling down. You can tell thank the protection they provided and let them know that the job is over now. Now it's time to move on to recovery the full range of motion, sans the tension, recoordinate the areas, and refine them as well. Time to surrender to healing.

There's another final exercise that may release the area, and it involves the rope assisted flat foot squat. Switch to one leg in front with flat foot. Perform 10 ankle circles in both direction with the extended leg. Then switch to the side (a la FCBD), then the rear. Switch legs. Since you're right is so tender, start with your left leg planted and go smoothly and slowly in the circles. You need to release the protective reflex causing all the tension as a result of that injury.

That's all I have to suggest, amigo. Let me know how it goes. I do suggest though that you record in a private journal the imagery, sensations and feelings evoked from the above encounter. Share it here in this private access (invitation only) section, if you feel comfortable doing so.

[Robert V]

Thanks, Scott.

The simple writing of it was cathartic. I appreciate your sincere ear and honesty.

I'm considering "retiring" from fighting or "hardwork".

I do the Warrior Wellness routine and much more. They include all of the joint circles and variations.

So, are you saying I should "only" do what you suggested?

Thanks,

Robert

[Pattimeow]

Robert,
I'm new to this type of forum, so forgive me if I'm not doing this right. <smile> I just wanted to say thank you for sharing so openly here. I don't understand all the exercise/CST lingo yet, but I do hear your heart. Thank you for making me feel like this is a safe place where both men and women alike can share in this journey.

Warmly, Patti

[Scott Sonnon]

Robert,

For some reason, your post didn't register as unread. Sorry. When you say "only," if you mean stop the squat work until you find and resolve the issue, then yes. At this point, any more work may be reinforcing the condition.

I retired 'hard-work' fighting too, amigo. I've explored what it has to offer me personally, and discovered many things. I think it's a necessary tool and important series of rites of passage for males (in particular). But I think some people need to move in more deeply, if they choose to go that Path.

[Robert V]

Thank you, Patti!

I really needed to hear that from someone. Again, thank you.

I will try to distant myself from the attachment, ego and embarassment I've found myself in the squat.

It might be more of a challenge to let the "hard-work" go, but I think I can do it.

Robert

[Connie Brown]

Robert you are my hero too. For what you did then and for what you are doing now. It is wonderful to see mature male role models here.

thank you again

[radiantkd]

Robert,

listening to you is a miracle. I am deeply touched. Thank you for your capacity to be present to your unfolding!

kathleen

[jodie]

Robert,
I don't mean to be flippant but it sounds as if by letting go of "hard-work" you are ready to stop beating yourself up about an issue you admittedly had no control over....
Like Scott said, forget about squatting. You seem to have a tendency to attack those things that you are challenged by, very yang.... Introduce some yin. Sounds like you are entering a phase in your life, like it or not, where you must ABSORB. Enough output, aiding, assisting, controlling
My favorite yoga mantra is brought to mind, finding "the balance between ease and effort"
Remember to give loved ones the opportunity to take care of you, they deserve it!
Nice job warrior, time to rest.
Jodie

[Robert V]

Thank you all!

I had no idea....I just don't know what to say.

"...remember to give loved ones the opportunity to take care of you, "

Jodie, I don't know how. That's a skill I've never learned.

Maybe I'll find the words later,

Robert

[Robert V]

Yoga is about balance. I teach yoga, yet I'm probably the most imbalance person in my class.

Doing for others:

Teach elementary school, teach women's self-defense and rape prevention, teach yoga/pilates/bodyflow, "Read and Make a wish" for children(this is when a student increases there reading level and I promise to take them anywhere they want to go after school...within reason. These are poor inner city kids who have very little). Work with LEO on self-defense, NHB sparring partner for a friend(no one else will do it) Private training sessions in clients homes.

Doing for myself:

I get massages about twice a month, a go to my chiroprator about twice a month, I do NIA dancing once a month.

In the middle:

Judo and Interplay dance. (I'm not sure who I'm doing these activities for)


At the Creative Wellness Center, I got a full-body massage.

I felt great before the session for I did a little Warrior Wellness.

There was about a two hours between the massage and my WW.

Who: My therapist was Irene from France. We often discuss Buddhism and her kids when I get a massage from her. She knows my body well. She was excited to tell me she had seen me in and bought the "Yoga @ play" video I was a part of at the end of last year.

Rate of Perceived Exertion (RPE): 5 WW. Massage 3 ( I had to make some effort to relax)

Rate of Technique (RT): 8 WW

Rate of Perceived Discomfort (RPD) 1 WW

With the massage it went from 0 to 8. My adductors, calves(from the previous dance class)were really tender. She said my back was tight. My upper chest was ticklish. It's usually not. She said it was masking tension. My forearms are usually tender from blocking punches and Clubbells. It felt great to get them released. Funny, she mentioned I had unusual flexibility in my legs. (LOL) If she only knew!

I felt like "heaven" when I walked out the door.

I really wanted to "squat" today. I really wanted to do a "Bruiser" workout, I really want to go to the gym...but I didn't. I'm making an effort to rest. I still can't stop my brain from calculating "how" can I one day squat?

I'm thinking about adding more fruit to my diet and taking up cooking this summer. I usually have adverse reactions to many fruits, but I'm going to try to overcome it.

I read some of Scott's material and I want to begin "hardwork" again...but I know better.

I am 37...38 in a couple months and I'm not married. One reason probably is that I love to "give" and I don't know how to "receive". Some probably guessed that already. The women I'm attracted to are usually givers, not takers.

I've met a great woman, but she thinks "I won't have time for her". Also, she wants to do things for me and I told her I don't need her to "do" anything for me.

I only mention this for the insight that manifested on this log about my (inhale/exhale) problem.

There is a lesson in here or a message. I have to keep listening.

I talked to some of my friends about this conversation. They all laughed, for they knew it all along and they are glad you guys are here for me.

I'm still trying to figure out "how" to begin "allowing" others to take care of me. Maybe the massage was a start.

Thanks,

Robert

[Scott Sonnon]

Robert,

Only a true warrior has the bravery to open his heart, as you are doing. Thank you for leading the way for the other men to finally begin to heal, after years of taking on too much, of viewing healing as only muscle-deep, and not being capable of accepting love and 'help'.

During your massage, where and how was your back tight? How do you find it limiting range of motion, say in thoracic and lumbar circles?

[Connie Brown]

I've met a great woman, but she thinks "I won't have time for her". Also, she wants to do things for me and I told her I don't need her to "do" anything for me.
Robert I am so glad you're here because you know the lingo and it is so refreshing to be able to talk about just about anything.

Buy anyhoo, this sure looks like a "satellite" to me. Maybe this is the woman who can help you with this, a baby step at a time.

My BF did this for me and it was actually a lot of fun when done with love, humor, and boundaries. I had been solo for a long time (love it, actually) and he had to teach me how to be a good girlfriend. My problem wasn't the same - I was not the super-giver - but I was constantly forgetting him in things both large and small.

He said, "where were you in your teens when you were supposed to be learning this stuff? Oh I know - you were at math camp" (I was, blush). But when the person likes you anyway and the project is out in the open and mutual, it can be really a joyride.

[jodie]

Absolutly awesome advice and I agree with it!
here is my two cents...
If you are anything like some men I know.... You are rushing full bore into your healing, remember the yin, take your time take a stroll...
just commit to YOUR health with your heart and the universe will move mountains to support you.
Jodie

[Robert V]

Flee, freeze or fight!

For years I fled, not wanting to deal with deep seated emotions. Now I'm frozen, for I know intellectually "what" and "why", but I am so afraid. I do feel like an animal in temporary "shock".

Since I was about 13-14, I've done almost everything alone. I've ultimately been self-sufficient. I've had some bumps, but I've learned to "live as an island", only wandering off to help others. I've realized that becoming an island to yourself is "safe". You control everything. Once you invite others on, you make yourself very vunerable.

I do see how "living as an island" has effected my body, for when you are alone on an island you can go crazy unless you direct your energy somewhere. My energy has been/was directed towards pushing my body to the limit. You can only do that for so long, unintelligently, before it breaks down.

I have to convince myself that the risk is worth taking(opening the gates to my island). I can't think intellectually why I should do so. However, emotionally there is a caution, but a naturally yearning deriving from what makes us all human.

I talked to my former fiance(of about 10 years ago), last year when one of my sisters died in an auto accident and I went back home. The first thing she asked me was, "have you learned how to allow people to love you and are you still trying to save every woman in the world?" Funny. It's like everyone can see it but me. Yet, I see it now.

People often say if a woman wants Robert, all they have to do is tell him their sad story!

I'm going to say something that I've never written or said aloud, but I think the reason I project outwardly in my affection, care and attention is that I feel guilty about not taking better care of my mother when she was sick. It's like I'm trying to make up for it by "saving the world". Again, I know intellectually that I did the best any kid could do under the circumstances. But we are made up of more than just our intellect. And there is a part of me that just has to "let go". You see I know this...but doing this is another story.

I'm sorry Connie, but I had to laugh at this, "...He said, "where were you in your teens when you were supposed to be learning this stuff? Oh I know - you were at math camp"..."

You are right, Jodie. "incremental progression". And Jodie, you'll never know how much I appreciate your input. Thank you.

Scott, my back feels great. Better than it has since I was in my early teens. I'm only aware of the tightness when I do "extreme" forward bending or in the flat-footed squat. I failed to mention it before, but my attempt in the FF squat effects my respiration, via the pulling of my upper back muscles.

But my back feels great. It has been nothing short of a miracle the way my back has healed, but it appears the journey is still before me.

I believe the years upon years of resistance training directed at my back, while not balancing it with proper stretching is the cause, along with the extreme upright posture I wore for about 20 years. I still see myself in the infancy of recovery.

I truly hope I'm not overstepping my bounds on this forum, but you guys have made me feel that comfortable. Thank you!

[Randell Waddell]

It is often very, very hard to let something go that has been a major influencing factor in our development, whether seen as positive or truamatic. You have to get about a million out of ten for your progress over the last few days.

We are all very lucky ( and empowered/richer in analysing our own journeys) because you have included us in yours.

Cheers
Randell :D

[Scott Sonnon]

I feel guilty about not taking better care of my mother when she was sick. It's like I'm trying to make up for it by "saving the world". Again, I know intellectually that I did the best any kid could do under the circumstances. But we are made up of more than just our intellect. And there is a part of me that just has to "let go". You see I know this...but doing this is another story.
Brother, I can relate to this, and you know I can since you read my "Rage" story. I wasn't able to voice my objection to my Mother being abused. And my life became a recycling pattern of manifesting the issue again and again until I would begin to heal. I never wanted to burden anyone, and I wanted to help everyone (secretly because I sought their approval as my definition of self-worth.) The grandiosity to which I took that pattern still baffles me. Obviously, I'm in the slow learner's program of emotional development. :lol:

Jodie healed me. My relationship of learning to let her in, and stop trying to "fix" someone, to stop viewing everyone as my personal crusade defining my self-worth led to many turbulent times for her and I. She cannot know the depths of my gratitude for enduring my arrested emotional development.

It took applying my learned attribute of discipline to myself, before I was able to begin to permit her to heal me. Everything we've done Robert is not for naught. Every ounce of energy the Universe has conserved.

You can begin, Brother, by stop taking on the burden of others as your crusade. We're taught that this is the honorable warrior, when it is only the immature masculine version of the warrior - the hero. Heroes can evolve into warriors, once they heal.

Energetically, problems with carrying or taking in too much involves exhalatory issues, or posterior chain tension (manifesting the "military" posture); and problems of giving out too much involves inhalatory issues, or anterior chain tension (scrunching us over).

It's no wonder why this manifests the way it is, amigo. For me, it was severe, chronic shoulder blade pinching, that I'm STILL releasing (and probably will need to address remedially whenever I confront a challenge, since my "drama pattern" can erupt when my discipline and vigilance diminish.)

The flat-foot squat must be supremely challenging as a result of the chronic, emotional/energetic posterior chain tension. I don’t doubt that it impacts your breathing – your exhalation I imagine. Why don’t you meditate upon this. Then go explore your flat foot squat anew.. with exhalation deeply.

Heal, brother. Let love in. Let it bathe you and transform the Hero into the Warrior.

[Robert V]

Thank you, Scott. I knew you would understand because I did read "rage". And I never told you this before, but about two years ago, I read between your lines and surmised there might be a "mother" issue, but I had no idea of the abuse. Maybe, that was why I always felt a connection with you.

And something I discovered today....you were right...when I go into the squat I do feel a backward pull that commands my muscles to brace defensively, decreasing the depth of my squat, for I fear falling backwards.

I will let this go for awhile.

I will also read over your last post a few times, for I believe it's all there.

Brothers,

Robert

[Connie Brown]

Bravo Robert! As someone once said to me once, when I had the end of one of these ropes of entanglement: don't drop it! so many people have the opportunity to follow and then don't.

And, I don't mind if you laugh. Laughing is a sign we are getting it right.

[radiantkd]

Robert,

I was moved by what you wrote. Taking time to rest and heal is part of hte give/receive dance. You are right on it, buddy. Bravo!!!

Love hearing your journey.

kathleen

[radiantkd]

It's embarassing to be the instructor of my yoga class, yet being the only one who isn't comfortable in the position.


Hi Robert,

I found this very comforting <smile> Thanks for your honesty.

kathleen

[Robert V]

Kathleen

Thank you so much for your support and sense of humor. It means a great deal to me.

I think it's amusing to the class to see me have trouble with something so simple to them, yet quite a challenge for me. I'm usually the one doing what others find "challenging".

I think it's good in a way, for my class clearly understands what 'fear reactivity" is, for ever so often, I stand in front of the class and have someone hold my hand lightly. I then do a "perfect" flat-footed squat. Next, I "attempt" one unassisted and I look more like someone using the bathroom than a poise yoga instructor.

Using myself as an example also helps explain how "there is no average Joe" and "no one is a blank slate". We all come to the class with different baggage, therefore it is impossible to compare and allow the ego to dance.

I've been trying to pull back lately, but school is ending. I've also been asked to teach a Judo class to middle-schoolers. I was shocked that my Judo teacher suggested that I teach this class, for my Judo isn't very good. He also wants me to redo is conditioning for his class. The LEO(Law enforcement) are excited that schools almost over for me, so I can spend more time training with them. My dance teacher thinks I can spend more time training with her private group.

My teaching certificate runs out soon and I HAVE to get in a graduate course this summer to renew it.

This lady I'm seeing wants more of my time and possible marriage.
I'm cautious whether I'm trying to "save her" or am I truly in love.

So, with the above in mind. My "being good to myself" and "self-fulness" has been challenged.

All I want to do is get to my "Bruiser", but it takes me 3-4 days to recover.

Again, thank you so much for creating this environment,

Robert

[Scott Sonnon]

Brother, you're a heckuva warrior. Have you tried extending your arms and visualizing support (that you actually DO have emotionally here), as in holding a rope?

[Robert V]

I'm not that much of a warrior!

But, thanks!

Tonight, my Judo coach did allow me to do the "warm-ups". I told them it would be "specific" to Judo. As I did it, I "taught" them about tension. It was a wake up call for them. It was basically WW and a little bodyflow. My Judo coach was very impressed.

Many wanted to "play" with me after class, but I declined. Everyone was shocked, for I never turn down a chance to do "hardwork".

Hopefully, I can continue to lean on the side of "wisdom".

[Robert V]

Oh, my inside ankle bone continues to bother me. It's been about seven weeks now. It began on the outside ankle and moved inside. It only hurts when I'm "not" active. I'm beginning to wonder why it won't go away.

[radiantkd]

I think it's good in a way, for my class clearly understands what 'fear reactivity" is, for ever so often, I stand in front of the class and have someone hold my hand lightly. I then do a "perfect" flat-footed squat. Next, I "attempt" one unassisted and I look more like someone using the bathroom than a poise yoga instructor.

WHOA!!! well that is amazing!!! that stopped me cold. Where and how did you find that one out? Did you discover it? Robert...is there any chance you might come over to our group and share this. It just blew me away.

Using myself as an example also helps explain how "there is no average Joe" and "no one is a blank slate". We all come to the class with different baggage, therefore it is impossible to compare and allow the ego to dance.

again, this is very heloful to me. I sometimes find it hard to share my inadequacy or stumbling. Other times, allowing my *bigness* to be seen is as hard.* It is nice to think of both as *baggage*

I've been trying to pull back lately, but school is ending. I've also been asked to teach a Judo class to middle-schoolers. I was shocked that my Judo teacher suggested that I teach this class, for my Judo isn't very good. He also wants me to redo is conditioning for his class. The LEO(Law enforcement) are excited that schools almost over for me, so I can spend more time training with them. My dance teacher thinks I can spend more time training with her private group.


Oh, I see, everyone wants you, eh! ':D Will you be able to schedule in rest and respite as equally important?


This lady I'm seeing wants more of my time and possible marriage.
I'm cautious whether I'm trying to "save her" or am I truly in love.

Oh help, Man! If you are even thinking this, you are NOT in love, LOL


All I want to do is get to my "Bruiser", but it takes me 3-4 days to recover.

I can relate, LOL, even though mine is the small one. (dear God, I hope you are referring to a 40 Pound clubbell and not something quirky)

Again, thank you so much for creating this environment,

feeling is mutual!

Kathleen

Robert[/quote] :D :D

[Scott Sonnon]

What kind of ankle movements are you doing, Robert?

[Randell Waddell]

(dear God, I hope you are referring to a 40 Pound Clubbell® and not something quirky)

What a mischievous, wonderful sense of humour !!!!!!!!!

Cheers
Randell :D

[Robert V]

I'm doing ankle circles elevated and with the ball of my foot on the floor. I cut down on my one leg balances by 60% and I'm icing it a when I can.

Kathleen, thanks. She told me that she was willing to wait and not to take things so seriously. So, I was being a little anxious there. I don't know what being "in love" is or feels like. I was there once about 15 years ago, but I can't remember much. Her name was "Kathleen" :!: Seriously!


I am going to get more rest.

[Robert V]

I don't know what got into be this afternoon, but my workout was...shocking. During my first "Bruiser"(45lb clubbell) workout, I tried the one hand "clean to order" and "muscled out" five sets of only one rep. Today, three weeks later, (one-hand)I did a volume of nine sets for over thirty reps. With half of the reps being cleaning to shoulder park(almost back) position and mills to shoulder park. I tried to go all the way to back position, but I almost broke my arm(I'm not trying that anymore).

I studied my log, trying to figure out the progress. This is what I found:

-Normally, I train in the early evening after a full day of chasing six year olds around.

-I went to see my chiroprator an hour before my workout.

-I got more sleep last night than normal(no school).

-It's been a week since my last workout. Normally, I train with it every 3 days.

-Anticipation and visualization. I've been anticipating working out with the "bruiser" again for awhile, but I've only visualized the workouts, allowing my body to fully recover. It's taken a lot of self-discipline "not" to workout and wait until my body felt recovered.

-I've been tremendously inspired by Coach Sonnon's world record.

I am still concerned or "inhibited" by my weak elbows, but I'm slightly overcoming it.

-I've been doing more anterior opening posture in yoga.

Also, some emotional issues have been settled.

Just logging my workouts have made a great difference.

One question, it appears my physical progress is enhance when I more time during workouts, but what am I to do between "bruiser" workouts? I still do my normal "WW" and "Bodyflow", but can I or should I add a normal clubbell (10lbers) workout between or gym workout?

My goals are to lessen my overall "fear reactivity", decrease bodyfat, walking bridge, increase anaerobic cardio, do one full rep of one-handed "bruiser" swipe and one full rep of one-handed "bruiser" mill.

[Scott Sonnon]

Brother,

You're doing outstanding! Such amazing discoveries. Now go back and read your post. All of the answers are there. You just need to trust yourself.

No, don't add anymore Clubbell training in between such high intensity efforts sessions. The reason I can do my efforts are due to TWO WEEKS active recovery in between. We're not doing merely physical training, but significantly challenging the CNS. We need to recover fully to completely benefit from such incredible exertion!

And if you notice, ACTIVE. I do DEEP work with Body-Flow, yoga, Warrior Wellness, and Prime Your Bioenergy... daily. Not intense enough to fall into "training realm" but rather deep practice.

If you want to achieve your goals, it sounds like you should follow your gut and do the same.

Plus... continue to do your effort sessions earlier in the day, and after getting more sleep (consistently - you need about four days of regular sleep to truly improve your performance.)

Think about your three week progress. Now, recognize that if you follow your intuition's compass, your goal cannot be long away.

Bottom line though - I attribute all of my recent accomplishments and transformation to the deep level of emotional work I have chosen to undergo... like you. There's something 'else' going on here, my friend.

You better keep me posted on your progress! It's very exciting and inspiring to read, mi amigo!

[Robert V]

"...And if you notice, ACTIVE. I do DEEP work with Body-Flow, yoga, Warrior Wellness, and Prime Your Bioenergy... daily. Not intense enough to fall into "training realm" but rather deep practice." The light bulb over my head is blinding!

Thank you for putting "yourself" out there as a model of an "intrinsic" warrior, coach and leader!

Robert

[Cilian McHugh]

Sorry to interrupt (I seem to be following you around the web today Robert :lol:)

But, that comment about practicing rather than training between intense workouts hit me at exactly the right time. Thanks.

[Robert V]

It appears my battle is with the "Warrior" inside of me. That warrior is the one that pushes himself to the limit(creating fear reactivity), tries to save damsels in distress(ignoring my own needs) and looks at any problem as combat(perpetual war and the birth of useless stress).

So, I'm trying to "right" my "wrongs".

This morning I did my WW, preparing to do another "Bruiser" session, but as I pick up my training log, I noticed it had only been two days since my last workout. If I hadn't been keeping a log to actually "see" what was going on, I'm sure I would of continued with the workout.

Instead, I did a light "oblong" balance ball workout which focused on my back. Then, I went to the gym to do a cardio interval session. I stopped when my ankle began to hurt. As soon as I felt the pain, I remembered "pain is communicating something to me" and I obeyed my body's message. I stopped my session.

After the cardio session, instead of going to the iron, I did some "Be Breathe" and a little BME I created to open my anterior and strengthen my posterior. I ended with a couple simple static poses.

I also ate a big salad. This is amazing for me. I felt great.

Later, I went to the video store and pick up a Pride Fighting tape. Suddenly, I asked myself, "Is this contributing or contaminating my goals?" So, I put it back and brought a "Bellydancing" tape. (A few months ago I went to see a Mid-Eastern dance concert and realized that ever movement pattern they followed, I practiced in my class in the WW portion. I plan on taking a class). Now, I'm studying the tape to look for new additions to my class.

If anyone has children or not, there is a great children's book I always read to my classes called, "The Warrior and the Wiseman". It means more to me than ever now.

Namaste,

Robert

[Scott Sonnon]

Robert,

I'll check out the book, brother. I'm thankful to have you here, echoing what experiences throughout my life as well.

[Robert V]

I did my WW, light balance ball workout and "Bruiser" workout today. I was hoping to ride my last high, I did "fair"(one-hand mills and swipes to shoulder park), but I felt weak. I determined:

-I'm eating less meat than usual and more fruits and veggies. My body hasn't adjusted.
-I'm usually hardly ever "stressed", but today was a big day. First, I had a meeting about getting into graduate school, if I don't before the summer, I loose my teacher's certificate. It's going to take a lot of money that I don't have. I've been working my butt off to pay off my undergrad loans, now this!
-Also, reporters and photographers came to my yoga class tonight to do a story on me. I was nervous all day, but it went well.

I can't stand that "stress" has finally caught up with me. I'm usually a "cool" dude, but I guess we can't be cool all the time.

It feels odd not doing flat-footed squats anymore. But the sore hip flexors are settling down and my ankle has bothered me in two-days.

[Scott Sonnon]

Sounds like you had a handle on an abnormally challenging day, amigo. I suspect as your hip flexors and ankles recover from backing off squats, that you'll 'feel' more and more.

[Robert V]

"...I suspect as your hip flexors and ankles recover from backing off squats, that you'll 'feel' more and more."

Scott, I don't think I understand. "feel"?

[Scott Sonnon]

There's pre-existing tension there - tension chains. Now, add to that exercise - more tension. This results in an overtraining effect. When you stop exercising the area, you'll begin to sense the 'source' tension.

[Robert V]

Thank You, Sir!

Robert

[Robert V]

Because of a graduate class I'm taking, I've had to cancel all of my yoga classes this week and miss Judo class.

Neither have I been to the gym or done C-bell work.

I also decided to be a little less conscious of my diet.

I only do WW movements throughout the day, especially during class breaks.

I haven't tried a flat-footed squat in a long time.

My goal has been total healing this week.

Yet, because of lots of late night writing that I have to do for my class and early mornings, my sleep has been short.

I am really seeing the need for awareness of "overtraining". I truly think most people that train "overtrain".

[Robert V]

Oh, no more ankle pain.

[Robert V]

After a week off from class, I did my first Yoga BodyFlow class tonight.

I've stayed away from weighted flat-footed squats and I haven't done more than a couple assisted flat-footed squats at a time in about three weeks. None unassisted!

I knew coming to class tonight that I would be able to do a clean FF squat with ease, even though I hadn't tried one unassisted in weeks.

No sore ankle or hip flexors!

As I gave the class instructions for our K-chain combo, I sat in the FF with ease. The class was stunned, for they are all aware of my troubles.

To told them that it proves the power of rest and recovery.

I thank this forum for guiding me along my flat-footed journey.

Robert

[Scott Sonnon]

CONGRATULATIONS, ROBERT!

[Connie Brown]

Wahoo Robert! that is wonderful!! thanks for the followup report!

I am imagining you in that free FF squat. very nice.

[Cilian McHugh]

Fantastic

[Robert V]

I got Kathleen's book and I can't wait to get in it.

My whole week is full of doctors appointments and massages.

My jaw clicks. I've been hit in the face a lot over the last 20 years. I'm taking PT for it. The PT noticed the left side of my neck is extra tight and that my thoracic region is virtually straight. No curve. That can explain my difficulties with several BME and asanas. When your upper back does not curve, it limits a lot.

My elbows are troubling me slightly. I think due to my increase of C-bell activity. Scott's triumphs have really motivated me. I might have to pull back.

Yet, my body feels as good as it has in years.

[Scott Sonnon]

Robert,

Work jaw circles and infinities. It helped my impact-reinforced TMJ.

Ease off the Clubbell training until the pain abates, and let's take a look at your grip dynamic in the specific exercise which you were performing.