the difficulty in getting people to relax

[chris m.]

Being able to relax is a critical skill on the mat and in all pursuits of physical activity. To be able to flow from tension to relaxation is a type of mastery of the body that will enhance all athletic pursuits.

But many people have a very difficult time relaxing. In particular, a young man has started training with me that has a lot of tension, anger and hostility. He enjoys doing things that test his strength. When it comes to relaxation--whether it is rolling, tumbling, or falling--he gets very upset and distraught. He will curse loudly, his eyes will tear, and he will scream and shout.

He respects my opinions enough that he is willing to try certain types of relaxation drills and he has had some success with breathing drills and joint mobility.

He is also prone to over training and pushes himself to such a degree that he ends up with overuse injuries, unable to sleep, and less than maximal strength. I think if he could learn to do relaxation and flow drills, he would alleviate these problems by not always seeking such hard, vigorous exercise.

Any suggestions on good basic level drills to teach him would be appreciated as would any suggestions in general. I think one of the main reasons he gets so frustrated is that--for him--relaxation drills require a lot of 'focus' and coordination that he feels he does not have. He then becomes very frustrated. Again, any suggestions on how to help someone get into relaxation and flow training with this type of mind-set would be very useful.

Thank you.

[rbibbs]

We've had guys like that too, although ours tend to be older, just short of 40. In BJJ, you can use technique to make their flailing and exertion futile. We set them up with the bigger blue- and purple-belts, and I guess the frustration at not being able to 'power' their way through things gets to them real fast, they rarely last a week.

That mindset is a lot easier to tolerate coming from a young guy who just hasn't 'settled in' yet. You've got to wonder how these other ones lived to 40 without trying to beat a train to a crossing, or just exploding internally from the tension. This guy is still probably salvageable, you don't want to ditch him, you want to steer him.

But since the guys like that I've seen give up Chris, I've never seen them 'calm down' or what changed their approach. For the other trainers here who probably have suggestions, what style or pursuit are you guys training in?

Rick

[Jay76]

Its rough. People are very tense and will not relax. One main reason they have such problems learning and performing exercises. When one mentions to them about relaxing, they look at you like you have ten heads, quite amuzing.

[bob_stra]

The question you ask is very difficult. I cannot answer it directly because there are too many things that can't be conveyed over the net.

Generally then -

This is smack bang in the middle of the bodymind concept. You can address either one as a means of addressing the other. But the person has to be willing - you can't force someone to relax. However, you can create situations (gradually) where relaxation is encouraged.

Seeing were talking physical skills, you can use a constraint to illustrate a point.

Eg: BJJ
Being knee ridden is stressful unless you can can differentiate between belly and chest breathing.
Using that as a yardstick, introduce your breathing drills. After a while, introduce them in supine position. Then introduce them against knee rides. Then introduce them against other positions.
Then start again with something else that ties in.

The trick is finding gradual enough steps, in a supportive, LEARNING atmoshphere. (soft work, anyone?)

Hopefully you can inspire this fellow to find his own learning.

[bob_stra]

Addendum

One very simple constraint is to force him to do less.

If he wants to do 10 forward rolls, have him do 5 at 50% of the speed.

Have him do 1 at 10% of the speed. This is very, very tricky and will probably bring up all sorts of emotions for him. Still, that's where the "rubber meets the road" so to speak.

Little steps. Find something he's good at first, then make him do less of it, but with more quality. It's a kind of a dance between the two of you. But like most dances, it requires willing participants

(yeah, you really can't decribe it in words ;-)

[chris m.]

Do you think it is more advisable to take a hard-line approach or to attempt to be more understanding?

A hard-line approach being: you are tearing yourself apart, chill out, do things my way, or go away.

More understanding: wiley and crafty uses to get him to loosen up.

[bob_stra]

For me, the latter.

Depends on the person

[Coach Jones]

A couple of things that i've used in the past have been:

1. Wear him out - put him through the paces so that he's simply too worn out to be as tense. Make him look forward to relaxing. This works for some, but not others.

2. Have him teach someone else how to do the exercises. In doing this he will have to find his own way to explain how it's done and in doing so will gain a deeper understanding of the movement. (rolls, positions, etc). Again this works for some but not all.

Just a couple of ideas,
-Brandon Jones, CST

[poidog]

Hey all -

Just my two cents on the matter, BUT...there may be more at issue here than just the physical stressing this young man is enduring. I know that I'm still very much like him in some respects, and the primary reason is not an inability to attain physical relaxation, but underlying psychological distress. I am at a point in my life where I have become very unhappy mentally and spiritually. These distressors manifest themselves in an unhealthy "rage" when I am engaged in physical pursuits. I only mention this because you commented that in addition to tension, there is some hostility and anger. Because of that, I would bet on psychological distress as the primary source of his tension. I know that physical relaxing can help defuse some mental anguish, but I suspect there are some emotional issues that need to be addressed before any lasting changes can be successful.

For me, it has been a process of 11 months to finally admit/realize what the true source of my emotional rollercoaster, from "blinded-with-rage-at-nothing-in-particular-but-everything-in-general" to physically draining depression that resulted in an emotional and physical withdrawal from everyone and everything I could. Now that I've identified the underlying psychological issues, I'm working on correcting them. It's a long slow process rife with setbacks, but I've gradually been seeing positive results - an ability to manage my temper and defuse (or at least lessen) my emotional volatility.

Again, this is all just IMHO, and I'm not a shrink. But psychology has been a passion, I majored in it and continue to follow it, especially social psychology.

Chris M: You asked about the "my way or highway" approach vs a more understanding/mentoring approach. I would suggest the latter with an emphasis on gently trying to acertain whether or not there is something below the surface. This young man may need your help with more than just physical tension, and a listening ear and some positive encouragement can often work wonders. Take it FWIW...

Aloha

[Connie Brown]

You know what else it reminds me of - what is he eating?

do you go into the diet part of training with him?

These symptoms can come from low protein (cutting or veg),
low omega3 fats, and high junk food:

inability to concentrate
trigger-happy anger
needs killer workouts to feel "good' (craving endorphins)
inability to handle the frustrations of new learning
sadness or too hard on self, inappropriate to the situation

just a thot.

[chris m.]

PoiDog: I know that the underlying issue is emotional tension. It is a question of how to deal with it--and if I am capable of such. A fine line to tread...

ConnieOR: His diet is exceptionally high in protein--basically a ketogenic diet. Lots of chicken, fish, and cottage cheese. I am trying to get him to include more vegetables, fruits, and seeds/nuts. Not sure if I will succeed.

[Connie Brown]

oh well that's good news about the no junk anyway.

I wonder if he would consent to adding in the things you recommend, if it meant he would feel better.

It is not mainstream yet, but if one keeps insulin too low (like with a keto diet for a long time), one can deplete serotonin over time, in susceptible individuals. I was one of them and it was quite remarkable the improvement when I eased off super lowcarb.

And maybe he doesn't even realize that easy rage, lack of concentration, low frustration threshold, low impulse control are low-serotonin symptoms and can be improved just with plain old food.

[Mark]

I know that the underlying issue is emotional tension. It is a question of how to deal with it--and if I am capable of such. A fine line to tread...

I dont believe you can deal with the problem yourself-Change is on the inside, only he can change. But, you can definately "guide" him in a way, talk to him after practice. Be a friend. Whatever helps.

I used/ still have similar "problems," so I kind of know what he might be going through, at least feeling wise. I have a dificulty expressing my self from a lack of "mental relaxation." So, like I was, he may be too far disconnected with the "world" to relax. Do you know what Im saying?

I hope this helped...
-mark